Down and Out in Placid and Plattsburgh

photo by Micheal Betts

(EDITOR'S NOTE: Reproduced below is a letter to Ruben Underwood, age sixteen months, of Watertown, South Dakota. from his godfather, All Points North writer Jason Brow.)

Dear Ruben,

It would be much easier if it were warmer. It's not warm enough to snow. Give it a week. Tonight, the air was so cold that it gagged me by freezing in my throat. I coughed icicles of blood and phlegm.

I hear you're moving up here. This troubles me. I'm sure you're taking it with the cool, nonchalance approach that you use with everything. You are, after all, only one.

Your Mother tells me that you're going to be living in AuSable. This troubles me even more. You're going to be an equal distanced from Lake Placid and Plattsburgh. You will find that these two are your closest forms of a city. Hooray for you!

Canada might appeal to you as a foreign treat, like a good-looking woman with nice legs and no diseases, but stay away until you know what a "working girl" is. Your father will explain it to you when you get older.

There's nothing to do here but drink, make whoopee, or go nuts. You're to young to do any of those, so you're pretty much out of luck, kiddo. Drink in bars. Make whoopee in beds. Go nuts everywhere. There's a subtle, dead sanity - a zombie nation of flannel wearing corpses swigging back cases of Keystone light.

Very scary.

The North Country's not bad. It's not that dangerous. Crime is low, but the overall depression of the area is high. I've been trying to get out of here for the last 13-years; so far, so good.

Despite the weather, this place has its advantages. You can have a dog. You can ride a bike. You're young. You're going to love the winter.

Growing up here, though, that's a problem.

Things are looking up. Currently, the economy is in the shitter, but because of your age, you're going to live through this. Your parents are resourceful. Plus, I know a million ways to eat macaroni and cheese.

photo by Micheal Betts

You see, this area is not meant for people who haven't experienced anything outside this area. A lot of displaced outsiders have settled down here, as they have grown tired of what the world has to offer. A lot of people are born here and never leave, this is wrong. You need to get out of here as soon as possible, Ruben. You need to see Berlin.

The people here are overall, avoidable. I suggest you avoid them. Lake Placid is full of phonies and Plattsburgh is full of jerks, or so I hear, I haven't been to Placid in a while. Last time I was there, I wandered the streets, climbing the hills, ducking into the quaint stores; these stores are now renovated to act as places where tourists can heat up. It doesn't work. It's below zero outside. The heaters can't get the motivation to work.

Lake Placid held the Winter Olympics in 1932 and again in 1980. Home to the Olympic Games - they'll make sure to remind you of that everywhere you go.

Be careful of Lake Placid, it's full of vampires ready to suck your wallet dry. You won't have a wallet when you come up here, so be ever protective of your bottle. Lake Placid acts as a hospital patient in constant need of blood. Transfusions are everywhere-- The Empire State Games. The National Downhill Skiing Championships. Disney on Ice. Drip, Drip, Drip.

Plattsburgh does well for schooling; you will need to keep your education going. Don't worry. I will be around to show you what the school doesn't teach anymore, like where the comic book shop is, how to say the words your parents won't teach you, and what green vegetables are really made of.

You have to keep in mind from the start that there is always more than 'this.'

Education is the way to get out of here. Keep your senses going. With your smarts, there will be possibilities. College is one way to get out of here. The Military is the other. Knowing the population, more get out of this place through the military than through college.

The snow will entertain you while you're young. In Lake Placid, they will try to convince you that four feet of snow and sub-freezing temperatures are great conditions for skiing. Do not believe their lies. downtown Plattsburgh

Plattsburgh had much more at one time. The Air Force base closed down, and took a lot out with it. There's not much except bars and the mall. I would avoid both. The mall keeps fading on us, and we still have to keep it alive or else, where am I going to get any pants?

Avoid alcohol while living here. Booze will kill you in the North Country. Booze will kill you in Plattsburgh. Downtown Plattsburgh is a tar pit full of dinosaurs moving very slowly. No one knows if they're trying to get out, or trying to sink faster.

All that is left are the factories. Georgia Pacific. Boeing. Bombadier.

Plattsburgh is the drunk without a liver. Instead, there's a hole in the side. Things keep leaking out faster than what they can be put in. Drip. Drip. Drip.

You know that the Russians targeted Plattsburgh during the Cold War? That's what they say. Pretty neat, huh?

Of all things, be careful. In Lake Placid, you have the vampires in turtlenecks, tourism machines that want your money. Plattsburgh is full of mullet-wearing-zombies, drinking beer while driving Ford Broncos and blaring Lynyrd Skynrd.

Never listen to Lynrd Skynrd, Ruben, never.

Most towns are like Lake Placid and Plattsburgh: trying to stay alive. It doesn't get any better than this, so long as you plan on leaving.

One of these days, I'll leave this area. It's hard. The land is cursed. It'll draw you in. When I get out of here, I'll send for you. I've already alerted my roommates that you're going to be spending a great deal of time with us and they're thrilled.

Once I get out of this area, you'll have a chance to escape. You can come visit. You can see that there's something more.

This is a little much for you to take in at such a young age. You do have a long hill to climb. You're probably going to be here for eighteen years. But don't worry. I'll be here to help you out. With some good luck everything will be okay.

Drip, Drip, Drip.
Your uncle,
J

Do you feel that you are a zombie? Do you feel you are a vampire? Do you think that Ruben's getting a raw impression of the area? Email us, and let us know.