Great Expectations Stumped at the Bono

Pizza Bono failed to meet my high expectations after an evening of dining

Story by Antonio A. Graves

After a few shots of the average naughty clear substance, one might find his or herself standing in the middle of a loud and sweaty field of flesh. The flesh moves and sways to the sound of the bass that pumps out of the large speakers hoisted above the field. As a participant at the event, whether willingly or not, one might even find his or herself doing a bit of moving and swaying due to the ill effects of that previously consumed clear substance.

Eventually, the beat stops, and the feeling of ecstasy is replaced with a feeling of grogginess, followed by a sharp pinch to the midsection. The mouth suddenly loses its moisture, and a loud and angry noise growls over the rumblings of the remaining swamp of humanity, and the necessary procedure is immediately realized—you’re freakin' starving! 

As the gust of cold air hit my damp flesh, immediately sending chills powerful enough to claim a soul, I found myself leaving Tabu and heading to everyone's favorite late-night gobble spot at 93 Margaret Street. While approaching the herd of knocked over white plastic chairs and tables of unfinished plates of abandoned flood, I made my way into the bricked foundation that is the Pizza Bono Ristorante.

Faced with the immediate sight of a gray ATM machine, I was tempted to withdraw even more funds in order to battle my hunger, a temptation that was anything but coincidental. As I searched for some sense of direction via a menu, my eyes targeted the spacious whiteboard while expecting a host of meal options. The board was filled with an abundance of options, but failed to provide the customers with the option's prices.

After my simple request for an elaborate menu, I explored the many different selections that included  chicken-parmesan subs, Philly cheese steaks, regular subs, lasagna, spaghetti, fettuccini alfredo, and of course, pizza. Although, the meal included many more selections, the section that caused my left eyebrow to rise was the wine section. Pardon me if a late-night pizza spot would be the last place I would go to have a glass of wine. A $16 bottle Chianti was their most expensive bottle. However, I actually decided to settle for the $2 strawberry slushy.

Surprisingly, after I made my order, I soon realized that Pizza Bono’s service was less than accommodating. I was met with an attitude of impatience from the woman at the cash register, after my initial indecisiveness. After the order was made and the necessary funds were given to her, my change was smacked down onto the counter. Naturally, I dismissed the odd exchange because it was late and stress probably was an ensuing factor. However, after a 20-minute wait, I noticed that one of my orders was missing. They completely forgot my bacon-pepperoni pizza! What kind of restaurant forgets the orders of their customers? Not a very good one, perhaps.

After another 10-minute wait, I could finally experience what my $20 was initially used for: The chef's salad, the strawberry slushy and the bacon-pepperoni pizza. Since I was feeling a bit generous, I decided to pick up my friend's tab as well. He ordered the chicken-parmesan sub and a Mountain Dew. Aside from a certain employee's selective memory, I was finally ready to resume what was a pretty good day; a day that was again halted the moment I opened my salad carton.

Initially, the thought of a chef’s salad thrilled me, but when I actually saw the salad, I was sadly disappointed. Although it was a very hefty salad, it was lacking in its decorative feel. The salad sort of resembled the chef rather than a salad. It was a carton of cold cuts and lettuce slapped together. None of the meats were chopped up and the lettuce, although not rotten, was not the freshest it could have been.However, the salad included an assortment of goods that proved to taste just a tad bit better than it looked.

Such goods included sliced cucumbers, sliced tomato, onions, ham, turkey, and red, green, and banana peppers. Aside from its less than appealing look, the assortment of goodies did a decent job in attacking my taste buds. The combination of banana peppers and red peppers attacked with a sweet, yet tangy flavor.

The pizza and the slushy, on the other hand, tasted how it looked—sad. After expecting a great, foamy slushy, I was brought back to the harsh realities of extra sweet juice that barely contained a few ice chips. It came in a cup with a soda top for goodness sake! What ever happened to the traditional bubble tops? They were probably left back in time along with the scene of the 1950s portrait of Plattsburgh that hung on the wall, across from where I was sitting.

Since the restaurant's name was Pizza Bono, I made yet another mistake in assuming that they would have good pizza. The pizza had flat and dry crust and had very little sauce. The only pleasing factor included the mildly salty taste of the crispy bacon. The pizza simply lacked the kick I was hoping for.

My friend did not have much to be thankful for either, aside from not having to pay for such low quality. He complained that his chicken parmesan was as dry as my pizza and that his Mountain Dew was room temperature at best.

After eating a disappointing meal, my night's experiences worsened when I went to use the lavatory, which was located at the rear of the establishment. The cold, shady room looked as if I entered one of Jigsaw's death traps. The floors were wet and sticky, which led me to believe that spilled water was not the case here. The flimsy lock that held the door closed left me feeling anything but safe and secure.

The best part of dining at Pizza Bono was leaving Pizza Bono. After looking at the slick and stylish menu that portrayed a pizza in the background and the reasonable prices, my hopes were naturally raised. However, after dining here, I will just have to learn how to endure having a growling stomach whenever I am downtown. Pizza Bono is a decent alternative to good dining when one is intoxicated, but a poor choice for the sober. I give Pizza Bono two pepperonis out of a possible five.

What are your impressions of Pizza Bono?